Monday, September 11, 2006

Hip hip hoorah

So today I received noticed that Arturo and I were approved for our
brand new apartment at a brand new complex. I'm really excited about it,
though arturo and I are going to have to buckle down when it comes to
working. Our monthly rent is about 1200 a month but its cool cuz we have
each other to help out. Its a a good location and everything about the
apartments its way nice, or at least nicer than what we have. Arturo
seems to be equally excited he was even helping me plan the party that
will conveniantly happen 2 days after move in, it seems like he to is
proud of what we are getting. Well chicas and chicos I must go.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

The frustrations which bring self loathing

So yesterday was possibly the worst I've ever felt. Let me first say is
now I really need this job more than anything. In saying that lets chat.
I had the DPS watching me yesterday which is one of many to come. I knew
nothing of her watching me but she came over as soon as I sent someone
away because they didn't have a place for a sticker on their cycle. So
she assumed that I gave him a sticker without a brake test. Anywho she
monitored me as I gave another inspection. Everything went superb except
when it came to the brake test. I know its partially my fault. I wasnlt
using the line I was supposed to. I had never seen any. So all this time
I had been giving "illegal' stickers out. So the DPS woman leaves and I
get on with my life. She comes back an hour or so later and tells me to
sign some shit and she's like "did they call you?" and I tell her no.
She leaves once more and I know I'm in deep shit, so I'm dreading the
call from Dave (my boss). Finally he calls and it gets me frustrated.
First off he kinda told me it was definitely my fault, about I should
have had sense to find the lines and shit. I got a write up so the DPS
lady could take away my license and also I caused the whole company to
get a write up. I finally get off the phone and I'm still feeling like
shit. So Dave told me before I got off with him to call every end of day
to tell him my car count and shit. I call at the end of day and tell him
all my information. Then I'm in trouble again, I should have rejected
cars because apparently it looks funny passing all the cars and secondly
I didn't sell anything. The whole not selling shit is my choice because
I don't know how to change a lightbulb or wipers. The whole not
rejecting someone is a whole different problem. I should have rejected 3
cars yesterday for their power steering fluid being low and the gascaps
being bad. Well here at the station most pay $15, 12.50 is for the
inspection and 2.50 is for fluid top offs free gascaps and shit. So I'm
left here to ponder how I'm supposed to fail someone who doesn't have
enough power steering fluid or a broken gascap when they paid the 2.50
extra to receive these items. Its stupid shit. So Dave is supposed to
come today and I know this shit isn't over. I don't know this job has me
thinking about things. I want to do something with my life. Maybe I
should go back to college but then I don't have any cash. I think I'm
definetely going to talk to the recruiter on friday.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

A green room with a monkey

So last night I had this wierd ass dream but it got so interesting that I continued to sleep just to see where it went. I guess it mostly fascinates me because I usually don't dream and to have a dream so elaborate is queer.

I arrived at a hotel that seemed to be located in the middle of nowhere next to a river. On the outside you see many people about my age celebrating what seemed to be spring break. I go to the river and end up at where it runs shallow and I step in. I immediately see an alligator so I get out and in turn it goes in. I begin to throw rocks at it but then I imagine that it might be getting frustrated and that it might then attack me. So I'm back at the hotel and Arturo is showing me around. The lobby is filled with elderly people which is odd since everyone else outside is so young. They are all dressed differently, some in yacht clothes, others in 40's-esque outfits with long cigarettes and crazy hats and most carrying a martini. They seemed to be having the time of their life.

Somehow the hotel ends up being Arturo's house. Me and him are walking around it and I'm amazed how large it is. The house is kind of dark the walls and floors are all wood and its the decor of a hunting lodge animals and drapes are hung on the wall. We go to a door and Arturo walks in and tells me to wait outside and to not make a sound. He walks out leaving the door cracked a bit and pulls me along the hallyways. We hurry to a room that is up a flight and a woman is standing behind the counter. He tells me that we are hiding. He asks me if I remember the green room with the monkey in it which was the room we last visited and I say yes. He tells me that the reason he showed me this was because he didn't want me to ever wonder what was inside. In reality that was his fathers room and that's why we were hiding his father was on the prowl. We end up leaving this room to follow another hallway and we rush past a door which is cracked slightly and it slams closed, once again the green room with a monkey.

I wake up in bed with Arturo next to me. I look around and its my parents room we are in. I don't worry because I know that they aren't anywhere near. I go accross the hallway and I find my sisters room though one wall of the room is a window overlooking downtown San Antonio. I realize that we are staying/living in the Marriot hotel. My sister walks into her room and tells me that we have to clean the windows outside and I suddenly notice a large blue banner hanging outside. She steps out and I realize that the ledge is way way to small. She makes it to the edge of the blue banner and the ledge has somewhow grown much wider than it originally was. We tie the banner back and clean the windows.

At some point we have to get out of the hotel. I know something bad was happening because I felt scared. It had something to once again do with the green room with a monkey in it and who was in it. He wanted us out.

I am at another house now, well actually walking to another one. IT's a classic southern plantation house, white with a rap-around porch along with a porch swing. Huge pecan trees guard it. I walk in searching for Arturo and walk from room to room. Suddenly someone enters through another door and I'm scared. I know shes looking for me, so I crawl from room to room hiding and she continues searching. After what seems like an hour she gives up and goes up stairs. There's a girl I know somehow, and I escape out a door which shouldn't even be there.

That's all I can remember. I do remember there was something to do with me going to a store that was like Wal-mart. And also a man in the plantation house, me having a conversation with him and smoking a cigarette.

Friday, August 11, 2006

It's been a while has it not? I feel tonite that it's time to update on a certain subject. If the boyfriend seems to deem fit the annoyance to him of my only really watching cartoons on television rather than concerning my attentions on news or more age appropriate materials.
Is it it strange that most likely 95% of my tv watching is taken up by cartoons? Maybe I feel that cartoons are more correct than any television show out there. You have actors who portray characters only so well, one cannot do such things as animation characters can achieve.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The eternal struggle of equality between siblings and their creators

So today was the birthday. Funny how all things seem so wonderful and so grand that they soon turn to shit. I kept telling myself not to set myself up because usually it turns into a major disappointment.

So here goes....

There's been this constant....thing between my parents, my sister, and I. It's where I know that they value my sister more. If they constantly tell her that she is the one to redeem herself from me, not be like me, what else does that lead you to believe. It's funny though, how someone I really don't know but I can explain. I never really did anything in school to make my parents think I was so bad, I just think I was the first child of them so I paved the way for my sister. Sure I skipped school but that was about it. My grades were low, and they had to be called in one time because some stupid teacher thought my parents were abusing me when I didn't lead him to even believe that. Now my sister. She skipped so much school that she had to go to court, she also smokes out and drink, smoking I would never do and drinking I had never done til senior year when my grandmother had died. This is the savior child.

Here I am once again setting myself up for disappointment.

Graduation of high school rolls around for me. A congratulations from my dad really nothing from my mom. The only reason I was happy was because I proved my mother wrong, she had thought I wasn't going to graduate. A few years later my sister is set to graduate, already a big trip is being planned for her graduation.

Today was ok. We My mother, father, Justin and I went to Azuca really awesome. I shouldn't have anything to complain about. But I must, something so petty and over material objects, but it's just so apparent what they think of me. When I finish cutting my cake I am instructed to open my gifts. I hate doing this. Mostly because I'm not really good at acting excited. This year I didn't even act. I opened my sisters gift to me and it was a video game which had some thought to it. I get to my parents gift and its a different story. Two gift cards, now this is something I avoid getting people who are closest to me because it shows no thought behind it. Moving on.... An six pack of diet Pepsi soda, a few candy items, a beach towel which is most likely from Wal-Mart judging from the quality, a small personal apple pie, a pair of shorts and a shirt from Target, and two coupons for a free 6oz H-E-B brand yogurt (I serisouly kid you not). The truth is I tried my hardest to not think about how disappointed I was, but apparently it was easily seen if Justin later tells me I looked disappointed. I know I shouldn't be complaining, I know that! But it's just the fact of how I'm treated so differently. When my sisters eighteenth comes along we shall see what happens.

I begin to wonder whether or not I should just come out to my parents and tell them I don't want to celebrate Christmas this year. Last year was a way disappointment. I recieved a portable dvd player, my mother said she didn't know what to get me. Funny thing is my sister got one of these portable dvd players because they were driving up to Branson and they wanted to get her something to entertain herself with on the trip. So they were probably like, hey we should get Christopher one as well and kill two birds with one stone and call it his Christmas gift. By the way my sister also recieved an Ipod, I bought my own.

It iritates me so much that I'm here constantly trying to seek approval with my parents and to know that they will still always look at me as the disappointment. IT FUCKING SUCKS.

As for the rest of that day.....

Justin go me a couple things, some surprised me because a while back I had said I wanted but sort of forgot about. My sisters gift was cool. Then there is the boyfriend. He told me that something he bought me a month ago that almost came out about $200 was my birthday gift. Disappointment here because the only thing I recieved from him today was a Happy Birthday before leaving to work. I would have appreciated at least a card or maybe a flower.

I seriously just want to forget today.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Sir Pigsly's Finest Hour

Her room was pink. The can that stood on the top shelf in the garage read "Princess Pink."She was a princess, at least that's what her father and mother referred to her as, "their own little princess." In her room at the foot of her pink canopy bed lay a treasure chest filled with princess atire. In the left corner near her closet door stood a whole tower including a puppet theatre where her royal jester would put on shows for this particular princess and her royal court. At this particular moment she was hosting a tea party, invitation only of course, with Sir Bearington, Lady Elizabeth, Mr. Higgings, and her most guest who attended every royal engagement, Pigsly, or at this moment Lord Pigsly.
The princess was dressed in a pink fluffy shiffon dress which doubled as a ballerina outfit. Matching fabulously were her very own pair of pearl white plastic high heel slippers. Upon her hands she wore three rings of different sizes, two small sapphires on her left and one very large ruby on her right which doubled as an lollipop. Around her neck was a lavender toned boa. Atop her head she wore her best tiara bedecked with all sorts of diamonds, rubies, sapphires, and many other rare stones that her guests brought as gifts.

This is me
In my eyes
Hero on heroine
I'm not on heroine
At least you aren't
I moved on
Before I met you
I'm on speed
But not
Reinvented once again
Antoher adjustment
More ass
Less nice
I'm hip
But not
She is sacred cow
Screams from a woman just beaten
This is me
Better than you
The lunch plate without the cash
I'm high
I'm not
Better than everyone
Cars traveling at their own speed
Speed bumps
But not
Not at this speed
Private roads
The equalizer
There she goes
City night glow is all that can be seen ahead
I'm there
The corner of 3rd and 7th
Children to the candy
Candy to the whores
Smells like.......

Bearing Jesus lives

The Jewish were right all along

There is no Jesus

Jesus was only created to represent God

Some people can't handle worshipping nothing

More cynically

He's the spokesperson of Catholicism

He's the Trix rabbit of religion

No one wants a cereal that doesn't have some character

It's not just Jesus




The Goddess of the Moon

All religions believe in a higher being

But have these spokespersons

Marketing tactics

All owned by one parent company

God is Kellogs and Post

Trix Rabbit






Just a way to sell to the masses


Gods chosen people

No wonder

He didn't have to sell Himself to them

Sincerely devoted

He was scared
Scared that the future that he had planned out
Wasn't going to be his future
That something else was planned
Something he hadn't planned
Nor anticipated
Patience wasn't one of his strong suits
He wore it like an ill fitting suit
For all he knew he could be dead
But yet this didn't want to be anticipated
The one he loved
Could turn out to be the one he feared most of all
Yet this is life
Life as we know it
And ever shall

She was about seven

Maybe going on eight

She still retained her innocence

He fed from it

The clock missed the strike of one

Though he didn't

Nor did he miss the strike of two or three

She wasn't ready for this

God no

She wasn't

Screams sound off into the streets

Yet only one came


She was seven

Going on eight

Her birthday would be at exactly one

Tears from a mother

Tears from a child

On the floor

A broken mirror

A child once was

Never to be

Monday, May 08, 2006

Silly lesbians
You'll never be thespians
All giddy and witty with each other
Playing together never thinking of mother
What would she think?
It'd drive her to drink
She already does?
Always having a buzz
Two way hot girls
Playing with each others curls
Kinda hot
Silly lesbians

A knock
An elderly woman answers drunkingly
La policia esta aqui
Bien is good
A child raped
Number one on the song charts
Children sing
The store clerk
An open bottle of red gatorade spilt upon the floor
A mom
In the eyes of those observing
No knock
No answer
La policia no esta aqui