Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The eternal struggle of equality between siblings and their creators

So today was the birthday. Funny how all things seem so wonderful and so grand that they soon turn to shit. I kept telling myself not to set myself up because usually it turns into a major disappointment.

So here goes....

There's been this constant....thing between my parents, my sister, and I. It's where I know that they value my sister more. If they constantly tell her that she is the one to redeem herself from me, not be like me, what else does that lead you to believe. It's funny though, how someone I really don't know but I can explain. I never really did anything in school to make my parents think I was so bad, I just think I was the first child of them so I paved the way for my sister. Sure I skipped school but that was about it. My grades were low, and they had to be called in one time because some stupid teacher thought my parents were abusing me when I didn't lead him to even believe that. Now my sister. She skipped so much school that she had to go to court, she also smokes out and drink, smoking I would never do and drinking I had never done til senior year when my grandmother had died. This is the savior child.

Here I am once again setting myself up for disappointment.

Graduation of high school rolls around for me. A congratulations from my dad really nothing from my mom. The only reason I was happy was because I proved my mother wrong, she had thought I wasn't going to graduate. A few years later my sister is set to graduate, already a big trip is being planned for her graduation.

Today was ok. We My mother, father, Justin and I went to Azuca really awesome. I shouldn't have anything to complain about. But I must, something so petty and over material objects, but it's just so apparent what they think of me. When I finish cutting my cake I am instructed to open my gifts. I hate doing this. Mostly because I'm not really good at acting excited. This year I didn't even act. I opened my sisters gift to me and it was a video game which had some thought to it. I get to my parents gift and its a different story. Two gift cards, now this is something I avoid getting people who are closest to me because it shows no thought behind it. Moving on.... An six pack of diet Pepsi soda, a few candy items, a beach towel which is most likely from Wal-Mart judging from the quality, a small personal apple pie, a pair of shorts and a shirt from Target, and two coupons for a free 6oz H-E-B brand yogurt (I serisouly kid you not). The truth is I tried my hardest to not think about how disappointed I was, but apparently it was easily seen if Justin later tells me I looked disappointed. I know I shouldn't be complaining, I know that! But it's just the fact of how I'm treated so differently. When my sisters eighteenth comes along we shall see what happens.

I begin to wonder whether or not I should just come out to my parents and tell them I don't want to celebrate Christmas this year. Last year was a way disappointment. I recieved a portable dvd player, my mother said she didn't know what to get me. Funny thing is my sister got one of these portable dvd players because they were driving up to Branson and they wanted to get her something to entertain herself with on the trip. So they were probably like, hey we should get Christopher one as well and kill two birds with one stone and call it his Christmas gift. By the way my sister also recieved an Ipod, I bought my own.

It iritates me so much that I'm here constantly trying to seek approval with my parents and to know that they will still always look at me as the disappointment. IT FUCKING SUCKS.

As for the rest of that day.....

Justin go me a couple things, some surprised me because a while back I had said I wanted but sort of forgot about. My sisters gift was cool. Then there is the boyfriend. He told me that something he bought me a month ago that almost came out about $200 was my birthday gift. Disappointment here because the only thing I recieved from him today was a Happy Birthday before leaving to work. I would have appreciated at least a card or maybe a flower.

I seriously just want to forget today.